The Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society
by fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs
Summary: The Divine Gossip of the Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society...is in our midst! Is the Head Girl prepared for what's coming this way?


Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, the great J.K. Rowling does. If we did, we would be some rich-arsed motherfuckers.

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"Oh Ginny...ladies...I'm sorry I'm late" said the young brunette Gryffindor apologetically. 

"It's all right, the meeting hasn't started yet. Parvati…please could you stop fidgeting my belongings!"

It was the monthly meeting for the women's underground circle. A meeting well beyond your ordinary meetings…far more complicated that the Order itself…

"Good morning ladies." Said Lavander Brown, seventh year.

"Good morning." The group of young witches all replied in unison.

"We are gathered here, earlier than expected, due to our N.E.W.T. examination, to discuss the impertinent issues for this closing month, for us seventh years" She looked around and grinned to her fellow comrades "and to begin the passing of leadership for those who will stay behind."

"Let me remind you" said Susan Bones, Hufflepuff "that is of utter importance for you lot to pass on what our mother generations have given in service of this wonderful institution and what us, in return, have added to this great service."

In the farther part of the meetings' headquarters, Hermione Granger gave a huge yawn, as she fought the insistent urge of pulling out the revised edition of _Hogwarts: A History_.

"Hermione Granger!" said the malicious voice of Pansy Parkinson "What is, in your opinion, the great service of our sisterhood?"

"Is it absolutely necessary for me to answer that?"

"Yes." Replied the pug-faced Slytherin.

'_Well, is a stupid-arsed sorority of hormone-crazed women who believe that by interchanging makeup tips and gossip they make a big difference is this school, which I believe we attend to learn witchcraft, not adolescent rubbish.'_

"Well, my dearest, I believe the importance of our…secret society is to foment inter house relationships, create bonds, and of course, create a wonderful link between us, the female population of the magnificent Hogwarts."

"Oh!" All the women clapped politely.

"That was, _touching_. I was starting to think that, _Hogwarts: A History_ was more important that our last meeting."

"Never let a thought like that corrupt your mind."

"Now, girls, no more drama!" Said cheery Hannah Abbott, Hufflepuff. "Let's just…retake our meeting."

'I can't believe this…why do I have to come to this stupid meetings anyway? Even Looney Lovegood seems to enjoy them…inter house relationships my arse! Stupid Ginny…'

"And as I was saying" said Cho Chang, seventh year "Hermione, you seem lost dear are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine stop worrying go on with the meeting!"

A wave of murmurs, mostly criticizing Hermione, spread across the Moaning Myrtle headquarters.

'_Fucking cunts…blast them all to hell…I fucking hate this fucking meetings…I'd rather hear Ron and Harry in their heated topics of Quidditch…I rather have Malfoy at it with his ludicrous comments…'_

"All right then, now that that is settled, let's go on shall we?" The youngest Weasley said glaring at Hermione Granger.

She continued. "So ladies, as you know, the Graduation Ball is coming up, and us below seventh year don't have permission to attend, unless invited by an older student. This is a problem. Hermione, you being Head Girl and all, can't you talk to Dumbledore and see if he can bend the rules a little?"

"I can't. Talk to Malfoy, _he being Head Boy and all_, maybe he'll do it. He's the one you have to shag around to get things."

A loud gasp came from the women.

"Hey, it's not like one of you hasn't done that already."

All of them stood in silence.

'_Fucking meeting…fucking menstrual cramps…'_

"Oh shit." As the speed of light, Hermione Granger flew to the nearest bathroom stall only to find out that the monthly fairy had arrived.

"Does any one of you have a…you-know-what?"

A large "Awwwww" escaped from the testosterone-crazed crowd.

"That's why she was being such a bitch!"

"No dear she is always like that" Marrieta, Cho Chang's SNEAK friend, whispered.

"Here." Millicent Bulstrode gave Hermione a giant-sized one.

'_I didn't say a diaper.'_

"Thanks." Hermione replied in a little voice while returning to her usual spot.

The monthly meetings of the Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society were a tedious task for her. Not only she was deprived of her free reading time, but she was frequently asked to do favours due to her Head Girl status. Not to mention very awkward questions about the Head Boy, Draco Malfoy.

"So Hermione…" A petite fifth year asked. "What is the first thing that Draykey does when he gets up in the morning?"

Hermione arched a quizzical brow. "He probably either shoos off a girl from his bed of whacks-off in his bedroom. And occasionally picks up the green and slimy morning bogey from his nostrils."

The petite girl looked surprised. "Wow. That's hot." She said, drifting of to Malfoy Land.

'_Cant believe this little whores…having fantasies with that self-righteous pig!'_

Gladly, this was the last meeting of her life.

"Well, it's settled. Pansy will talk to Draco hence the lack of…effort, from Miss Granger. Those of you who haven't got a date to the ball yet…your time is seriously running out!" Said Cho Chang in a cheery voice.

"Who are you going with?" Asked Padma Patil casually.

"Roger Davis" said Chang in a dreamy voice.

And so the topic raved on. Every girl in that god damned loo had a date. Except of course, Luna Lovegood due to various reasons, and Hermione Granger.

"And you Granger, who you going with?" asked the malicious pug face.

"Who are _you_ going with?"

"I already said it; didn't you hear the envious cries? Draco Malfoy."

"Ah."

"Answer, Hermione, we are all dying to know!" replied Sally- Anne Perks, fellow seventh year.

"I'm not going with Harry or Ron if that is what you're interested to know."

Another cheerful wave corrupted the atmosphere.

'_Stupid women. I should've been born a man.'_

"So now that the argument is settled" said Hannah Abbott "who are you planning to go with Miss Granger?"

'_Wow. That a punch in the groin without notice. Ouch.'_

"I bet is Viktor Krum isn't it?"

"No, it's my brother Bill. She has fancied him for ages." Ginny said in a fit of giggles.

"Of course not, it's Oliver Wood. I saw the two of them talking fervently in Diagon Alley over the summer." A plump fifth year added.

"Is not. It's the new drummer from The Weird Sisters. Hermione was the one who got them for the Yule Ball, and these days, there is no way getting hold of them." finished the seventh year, Padma Patil.

'_Let them rave. Let them eat…vicious vampires. After all, all they do is suck in on gossip…'_

After ten minutes of making prophecies and foreshadowing, it came down to the truth.

"So what is it Hermy?"

"What is what?"

"Who is the lucky lad?"

I had to be honest. Ya-ya pride.

"I haven't picked anyone…yet."

"Or is it that anyone has asked you?" said the malicious Pansy Parkinson.

"As a matter of fact, I've been asked. Curiously, members of your house."

"Really? You sure they weren't pranking you?" the pug bitch asked, once again, maliciously.

"That's enough Pansy." said Lavander in a peacemaker tone.

"No…I'm sure."

Hermione fell to the floor. She started to clutch herself in pain, as if she had been _'Crucio' _on her arse.

"WHAT DID YOU DO PARKINSON?!" said Ginny hotly, in a flaring voice.

"I didn't do shit! She just fell."

"Fucking period." Hermione managed to get out.

"Ohhh. You having pain dear?" asked Luna Lovegood gingerly.

'_No shit Sherlock.'_

"I reckon maybe we should take her to the hospital wing." The plump fifth year retorted.

"No." said Ginny "This is much more complicated that the mere cares of a nurse like Madame Pomprey could offer. We need Healer Moorey."

A large "Ohhhh!" took over.

'_Noooooo! Not Healer Moorey.' _

"Is…that….nutter…! Please…not her!" Hermione Granger managed to get out, but the overwhelming pain took over.

"Oh, it must be the pain talking, poor little Mud--Granger." Said Parkinson, covering Hermione's whimpering mouth with a handkerchief.

Hermione was being carried by all the members of the Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society in the chilled halls of their school. It would be a very suspecting spectacle for any boy of the institution to see; girls of all houses working together without protesting or talking badly of another house. That would never happen though; for none of them wanted the word BITCH sketched on her forehead until Graduation Day, which was the side effect of disjoining by any means the Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society. That was the main reason Hermione Granger didn't voice out her…dislike of it.

"Mphhh!" Hermione tried to say, but Pansy's hand was avoiding it.

The women all gathered into Professor McGonagall's office. They knocked three times until the elderly woman replied.

"What's this--- Miss Granger? Oh…I see. Come inside girls."

'_No! Even Professor McGonagall is part of this Stepford society! Bloody hell! What are they going to do to me!?'_

"Use this…the Ministry won't ever know." Said the professor, winking at the girls. "But only three of you, Miss Weasley, Miss Bones and Miss Brown…we don't want others to suspect."

Pansy Parkinson gave a loud grunt.

Hermione regained her breath.

"No! Let me go you freaks! This is an outrage! What are you planning to do with me?!"

"Miss Granger! We are trying to help you! You are in distress! These young girls will take you to St. Mungos to receive the Moorey potion."

"The Moorey potion? I haven't read of that ever!"

"Of course not." Professor McGonagall added darkly "Wizard men wont allow that to be published. It's…a miraculous potion Miss Granger. It takes the pain…away."

"The cramps?"

"The cramps, the foul mood…everything!" Ginny replied brightly.

"You've all taken that?"

The women nodded in unison.

"But isn't that Moorey a nutter? They say she invented artificial insemination without semen! That's rubbish!"

Some girls gasped while others snickered silently.

"Miss Granger, I suggest you pay more respect to this woman…or shall I say sister?"

'_Great. So she is a nutter. A Hogwarts Ultra Secret Witch Society member nutter that is.'_

"Now, there is no losing time, you've got Potions in one hour so you girls better hurry. Off you go." Said the old witch, handing them what look like a baseball bat.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed lads... don't forget to leave a bloody review....**

**ShAg On! **


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